Thursday, 29 April 2010

Basically, I just want to rant today.

I'm pissed off. It's odd. It's like the rebellious difficult-teen phase that I seemed to have skipped has decided it does want me to go through it after all... despite the fact that I've already turned twenty. Basically, I'm a slow developer.

I have to write an essay, but I don't feel like it, and every fiber of my being seems to tell me that I don't have to write any dissertation or essay if I don't want to. While it probably wouldn't kill me to just fucking go ahead and write it, telling it to fuck off seems like a much more attractive option. I'm not sure why.

Maybe it's because I know there are a gazillion ways to make money to survive. Maybe it's because I know there is a woman who survives on the skills and friends she's acquired, not on little bits of paper.

Maybe it's because trying to make myself make sense to other people is a fucking chore. I put in loads of effort trying to understand stuff that doesn't make sense [admittedly, I seem to enjoy that sort of thing] and if they want to understand my point of view, why don't they put in the effort?

Maybe it's the same reason I have a preference for finding out about cool stuff, not for explaining it to other people.

Maybe it's the same reason I always preferred writing fiction stories in English class at school than writing essays that analyse things.

I think eventually, it all comes down to persuasion. I mean, I definitely need people to point me towards things to check out. I joined CGD because it sounded interesting. Barry made it sound interesting during the interview, and his lectures were always pretty cool, but he stopped lecturing us to do research. Surman always made it sound interesting to me, but he's not here anymore to continue making it sound interesting.

So now, nothing is really succeeding in persuading me to keep submitting to the course's demands, except for maybe a little part of my own will, and the University life outside of study, with my Uni friends. Except they don't seem to really be persuading me very hard either [and why should they?].

If I don't want to do something, I have to be persuaded into wanting to do it. Give me some really good reasons. Otherwise, I won't see the point, and I won't want to do it, and I'll put it off, and then get angry at it for wanting me to do it when I just don't fucking want to. I'm pretty sure a lot of people work that way, and not just regarding what course they're paying for.

...Fuck it.
I'm going to write the essay.
But if it doesn't make sense or doesn't get a high grade, then quite frankly it's their own damn fault for not making the ability to write academically properly look valuable in my eyes.

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