Thursday, 29 April 2010

Basically, I just want to rant today.

I'm pissed off. It's odd. It's like the rebellious difficult-teen phase that I seemed to have skipped has decided it does want me to go through it after all... despite the fact that I've already turned twenty. Basically, I'm a slow developer.

I have to write an essay, but I don't feel like it, and every fiber of my being seems to tell me that I don't have to write any dissertation or essay if I don't want to. While it probably wouldn't kill me to just fucking go ahead and write it, telling it to fuck off seems like a much more attractive option. I'm not sure why.

Maybe it's because I know there are a gazillion ways to make money to survive. Maybe it's because I know there is a woman who survives on the skills and friends she's acquired, not on little bits of paper.

Maybe it's because trying to make myself make sense to other people is a fucking chore. I put in loads of effort trying to understand stuff that doesn't make sense [admittedly, I seem to enjoy that sort of thing] and if they want to understand my point of view, why don't they put in the effort?

Maybe it's the same reason I have a preference for finding out about cool stuff, not for explaining it to other people.

Maybe it's the same reason I always preferred writing fiction stories in English class at school than writing essays that analyse things.

I think eventually, it all comes down to persuasion. I mean, I definitely need people to point me towards things to check out. I joined CGD because it sounded interesting. Barry made it sound interesting during the interview, and his lectures were always pretty cool, but he stopped lecturing us to do research. Surman always made it sound interesting to me, but he's not here anymore to continue making it sound interesting.

So now, nothing is really succeeding in persuading me to keep submitting to the course's demands, except for maybe a little part of my own will, and the University life outside of study, with my Uni friends. Except they don't seem to really be persuading me very hard either [and why should they?].

If I don't want to do something, I have to be persuaded into wanting to do it. Give me some really good reasons. Otherwise, I won't see the point, and I won't want to do it, and I'll put it off, and then get angry at it for wanting me to do it when I just don't fucking want to. I'm pretty sure a lot of people work that way, and not just regarding what course they're paying for.

...Fuck it.
I'm going to write the essay.
But if it doesn't make sense or doesn't get a high grade, then quite frankly it's their own damn fault for not making the ability to write academically properly look valuable in my eyes.

Sunday, 25 April 2010

Hahahaha, my work is on

Move aside Youtube.. [but don't disappear, you're still useful...]

The tagline of is "Dear Productivity, It was nice knowing you."
The About section says: leverages bored@work arbitrage and nihilistic synergies to create an enhanced time-killing web platform.

It's for people who'd rather watch the best videos from all the different video sites than, well, whatever else it is you're supposed to be doing.

I came across it just now, when I was on another one of those see-what-people-can-see-about-me quests. Typing "Charlotte Gyseman" into Yahoo, I found that somebody calling themselves Abygale had submitted the Unpoppable Waterballoon video, which I had uploaded to Youtube, to

I think I'll take that as a compliment.

Saturday, 24 April 2010

Immersion, Escapism, Addiction

I don't think people play games just to avoid "real" life. I think they play them because they find Life in them. When I say Life, I don't think I mean many of the things that you'll probably naturally assume I mean - unless you've read and understood the same material I've read recently... and understood it in the same way I have.

This article seems to make the assertion that players falling in the Immersion category play in virtual worlds to forget their issues.

For this group, gaming is an outlet for the anguish fed to them by the world. They play to forget their issues and for the most part, are breeding a sort of addiction.

If all they wanted to do was forget their issues, there are plenty of other ways for them to do that that don't involve virtual worlds or internet gaming.. And virtual worlds provide so much more than escape when it comes to this category of "Immersion", that to say the above is waaaaay too simplistic. Tsk tsk Alexis Garrett, tsk tsk.

Friday, 23 April 2010

Why I hate writing academic essays.

I think this might be why. It's just not my thing; not my preferred method of expression.

But I think I know now what I'm writing my 2000 word Essay on and what my Dissertation Proposal is going to be.

Essay: Compare and contrast Bartle's Model of Player Types with Nick Yee's Model of Player Motivations, focusing on how they have addressed the question of why players play games.

Dissertation Proposal: ...Any attempt to satisfy every player's wants in a single game will ultimately fail, because you really can't please everybody.

Monday, 12 April 2010

Ooooh... Round and round she goes, where she'll stop, nobody knows..

Recently, I've developed a thing for circles.

I think it was because of the video I saw on TED with the surfing scientist talking about his theory of everything, with patterns and physics, and then I read about the Flower of Life [ooh look, pretty jewelry!!*], and then I thought about how much sense it seems to make in life [while at the same time, kinda not.. Say hello to Absurdism and Paradoxes?].

I could probably write an essay on it. I actually might write my essay about infinity in Portal. I don't know. It sounds like a plan though, since I've spent all this time reading about them and have recently installed Portal.

And today, I saw these earrings, and I was like, "Ooooooh, I wanna know how to make that!" :D

*I'm such a girl sometimes.

Tuesday, 6 April 2010

Nice surprises are nice.

It was after 3am, and there were beats coming from downstairs. I would have preferred it if they were what I would refer to as decent ones.

So instead of going to bed when I thought about bed, I stayed up a little longer and watched this:

I've been watching a lot of TED videos recently.

And then I looked up Maira Kalman, and found this, and I thought it was really nice. I wanted one, but I didn't want one enough to pay $35 for, so I settled for the feeling that resulted from the nice surprise of finding out such a thing exists. And then the music stopped, so I pressed Publish Post, and went to bed.

Saturday, 3 April 2010

Essay: Shuffling Paper, & Maya modeling practice

Shuffling Paper: Terminology used by Rebecca Hills to describe the method of working in which I finally decide on everything [e.g. where to stick my pictures in my Art Book] at the last minute.

I still have no idea what I want to do my essay on. Although by no idea I mean, too many ideas. I've gone from Binaural Audio, to Foley and SFX in Games, to how the Industry has reacted to demonization from the Mass Media [age ratings], to New Games Journalism and Player Experience, to how New Games Journalism never actually got around to being what Kieron Gillen meant when he first wrote about it in 2004, to Up is Up vs Up is Down. And that's not even listing all the different angles I could hit them at. Maybe I should just pick a game to install and play and write about something it does...

Urrghh, The Industry; why must you be so varied and interesting!!

In other news, I've decided to have a go at recreating my bedroom in Maya. Not only will this serve as useful modeling practice, it will also mean I can attempt to relive my Uni days when I'm no longer a student. Although... when I'm not focussed on my laptop here, I spend most of my time out with other friends rather than in my own flat... Hopefully, I can expand the world I'm modeling to include the basic environment of campus, then I can recreate the walk across campus to AberG and back whenever I want. Haha.

Thursday, 1 April 2010

WOF: Cardinal [Cancer].

Modelled, textured, and plonked on a chair:

Cancer wasn't really designed to move a whole lot, but he'll be going to Matt next, who is going to rig him up for a little bit of animating.

I'm in the Wrong Industry.

At times I wonder, what are we doing? I watched Zeitgeist: The Movie and the follow up, Zeitgeist: Addendum recently, and it really opened my eyes.

People go about their daily lives, seeing most of what we've seen through moniters and screens; I've met hardly any of the animals that I think exist, so how do I even know they exist? Because I saw David Attenborough talk about them?

Right now, how do I even know David Attenborough is a real person? I've never met him. If I go into the Games Industry, all I will be doing is trapping more poor souls, showing them things, creatures, places, worlds, none of which exist.

I mean, it made me think back to that video on YouTube of Joe Rogan, who suggested what life would be like if suddenly all the scientists and clever people disappeared. We wouldn't know how to do anything, and we'd all end up living in caves. How would we know how to do anything? We need to educate ourselves properly. Education at the moment is a sham.

Learning stuff in school all leads to us getting jobs and becoming part of the system. It's a bit like The Matrix. How much of what we learn is actually useful to life? I don't even remember half the stuff I learned there because I've been so focused on making stuff that doesn't exist. All in the name of fun.

... Fake fun. It's not even real! It's all just pixels...

Our lives are not free. Zeitgeist proves it's all because of money. People say money is the root of all evil, but has anyone really thought in depth about it? It makes us competitive, makes us try to earn more so we can buy stuff. Do we even need this stuff? There are people going into advertising, and why not? It earns them money to buy stuff, by showing people stuff they could buy and persuading them to buy it, and so the circle goes on and on.

Over time, we are sucked in. They lull us into a false sense of security, and sell us their make up and their fashion, and engage us into big debates about films, which are all made up anyway. If we continue on this path we will end up like the people on WALL-E. Nothing is real, we've made it all up. The only way we can free ourselves is to remember that we are one with nature, we are one with the rocks, and the plants, and the trees. I am not me; there is no me, "me" is just a made up word, a word made up by a bunch of atoms that we have called "humans"...

Life, as we "know" it, is a joke.

So, this is the end of the line. I'm going to finish this year until I have enough funds to go out into the world, to break out of the system where funds are even required, free myself from the prison of money, live with the land and experience what's really real. Maybe I'll meet David Attenborough.

Midnight Edit: Notice the first letter of every paragraph... Aled, as if I would really post a post like this on any other day but today, after reading the link you sent me! Haha. Although I've gone on that site just now, and it's all changed. The owner seems to be playing a prank of their own:

Error loading web site, reverting to default document.

SAC, Los Angles (157-6666)

Federal Bureau of Investigation


Codename "Winston" 4/1/10

Winston requests a web site be created to help promote disinformation and dissidence among groups untrusting of the United States and United Nations. To protect sensitive source of information, as to how "sources" are obtained, from possible comprise and to insure the success of our plans, Bureau feels it would be better to wait approximately ten additional months until Alex Jones predictions for the year fail and become apparent to everyone. If deemed warranted, submit your recommendation of other ideas. It is imperative we quiet questioning of the authority delegated by those in power, as it could be disruptive to their plans. Further funding of for disinformation purposes is recommended.

1 - San Francisco



While it is obviously impossible for us to put a stop to louder voices in the conspiracy movement, we can promote dissidence among the followers of the likes of Alex Jones, Jeff Rense, and Peter Joseph in order to ensure that they are unable to go forward with any plans they may have for changing society in their favor.


Chief Executive believes that we should hurry to spread disinformation as to the overall purpose of organizations like Planned Parenthood, as well as vaccinations and genetically modified foods, due to the conspiracy theorist use to promote information regarding population control.